The Vows You Make With Yourself.
I made a vow to myself 22 years ago.
It was after the first yoga class that took in Berkeley, ca.
The teacher spoke of enlightenment, and how that was the goal of yoga. I said yes. That is what I want.
I want to be someone who relieves suffering. This vow was on top of a deeper vow that I made when I was 16, and struggling to find a reason to live. I promised myself that I would find my own way of living, and that my life would be in service of something beautiful.
I want to be a harmonious entity. I want to be a Buddha.
When you make a vow with your higher self, your higher self rallies to support you in ways you won’t be able to understand at first.
I was then gifted with teachers, partners, and experiences that showed me everything about myself that was not light.
I tried to meditate for years and years, and every time I sat down, and tried to be still, I would experience intense physical, emotional and mental pain. Relationship after relationship showed me my resistance to love, to honesty, to openness and compassion. They showed me where I lacked self responsibility and integrity. They showed me where I lived in collapse and where I lacked embodied belief and self confidence.
I had teachers who taught me through more pain, and then teachers who taught me with love.
I became a mom to twins, and a mis-matched partner who taught me radical self responsibility, and not in a gentle way(which my personality would have preferred).
The vow that I made to myself all those years ago has held me from the inside. It has given me staying power. It is the light that guides me out of every dark hole.
It is the energy that supports every thing I do. It is my highest aspiration, my deepest truth.
I can feel myself closer than ever to this vow lately.
I feel it’s wisdom, it’s truth, and it’s humble devotion.
I feel how it brings me luck, beauty, abundance, health, learning, friendships, teachers, guides, and momentum.
I feel how it carries me when I can’t move, and how it holds me when I can’t stay.
A question I asked students last night: what is your highest aspiration?
This question matters.
This is why.